Barmy, all of them
by saralynfara
Summary: Lily is having a bad day : a rabid unicorn tried to trample her and Alice's lips are flashing like a disco string of lights. Can James and his Firewhisky make it all better? Hopefully funny and very silly - enough said...


**Barmy. All of them.**

There are days when you shouldn't wake up.

Nope. You should just stay in bed and wait for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is_ always_ better than today. Hopefully.

So went the musings of Lily Evans, stuck-up Gryffindor prefect (according to Sirius Black) and most beautiful redhead of Hogwarts (according to James Potter). Sadly, the last bit wasn't saying much since the two _other_ redheads of Hogwarts were a little first year whose eyes you could barely make out amid the sea of freckles she was calling a face and the "new" teacher of Care of the magical creatures who was at least old enough to be Dumbledore's older sister....

Currently, said prefect was tiredly staring at her empty plate, trying to decide if she would rather go to class with an empty stomach or ask Potter for the pancakes he was keeping under his elbow since he came down to breakfast, almost half an hour before.

Tougher choice than it sounded.

There was a sudden movement on her left and she ducked just in time to avoid beeing stunned by the gigantic antlers the boy sitting next to her has sprouted on his head something like ten minutes before.

Now that she thought about it, it was just after drinking his pumpkin juice. She bestowed a suspicious look upon her own glass.

It was sad, really, that she wasn't even surprised anymore. Living at Hogwarts surrounded by loons tended to do that to you.

"Oh hey, Lily!"

The boy on her left (Mickael. Or Henry. Well a fifth year who was looking very silly right now, at any rate) turned around sharply, nearly poking her in the eye with his antlers.

"Alice, sighed Lily. You're late, you almost missed... breakfast." She felt her eyes widden and she rubbed them to check that she wasn't hallucinating.

She wasn't.

"Alice, did your lips just turned blue ?"

Alice plopped down on her right, pushing a little boy to "make room", as she put it.

"Yep, I found this killer spell yesterday, when I was researching for Flitwick's essay. By the way, can I take a peak at yours? I didn't have the time to finish mine."

Her lips flashed orange before settling for a sickly yellow-greenish color.

"Because you were practicing a color changing spell for your lips?"

Loons. All of them.

"Well, yeah. I can show it to you, if you want", offered Alice, lifting her wand towards Lily's face.

"NO!"

Lily put her hands in front of her. She knew that by now, half of the Gryffindor table was probably looking at her and that she was probably looking like some kind of demented karateka, but anything was better than the lipspell of doom.

Who knew how_ long_ the thing could last and Lily didn't think that she could stand that kind of humiliation in front of Potter.

Because he would take it as a pretext to talk to her. Obviously.

And if she had to hurt Alice's feelings to avoid it, then so be it.

Alice slowly blinked and lowered her wand.

"Why? Don't you like it? I thought..."

Her now neon pink bottom lip began to quiver ominously. Oh god, Lily was the worst friend in the entire universe. She deserved to be put down right now. Alice could stick her head on the wall and curse it until it was as... purple as her lips.

"It doesn't look good, does it?"

Lily cleared her throat. She was crap at lying.

"Hm, you see, it's not that it doesn't look good... More like..."

"Oh Merlin, I'm ridiculous! Why did you let me do it?"

Lily clamped her mouth shut, trying really had not to say that if she had to prevent every stupid thing she came up with on a daily basis, she wouln't have the time to complete her homeworks anymore. Or to go to class, for that matter.

Suddenly, Alice let out an unceremonious shriek and ducked bekind a basket full of bread rolls.

"What?"

Lily followed her frozen friend's gaze. Longbottom was waving, appearing imperturbed by Alice's behaviour (or her lips, which was even stranger), apparently unaware that his hand was holding a toast covered in strawberry jam. Jam which was now steadily dripping on his lap.

God, did he look stupid.

Sometimes, Lily couldn't fathom what Alice saw in him.

"Oh, Merlin! And now, Frank Longbottom saw me like this!" she whispered in a high-pitched voice while covering her lips with her hand so her words were sounding slurred, like she had a little too much Firewhisky or something.

Then again, some days Lily couldn't remember why Alice was her best friend either.

Alice stood up, her hand still in front of her mouth which guaranteed her the undivided attention of half of the Great Hall.

"What are you doing?" hissed Lily.

"Going back to the dorm. I think I may have a lipstick dark enough to cover it up."

"Why don't you just say the counter spell?" asked Lily, a little bewildered.

"I didn't have the time to practice it! That spell was really hard to master, you know!"

Lily hit her forehead with the palm of her hand as Alice swiftly walked out of the Great Hall.

Frank Longbottom was trying to wipe the jam off of his lap with a muffin.

Even if it wasn't very nice, Lily couldn't help but hope that these two never had children : they seemed practically brain dead when there was less than a mile between them, so imagine the disaster if their genes were into the same body!

"Wait! You're going to be late!" she shouted.

But Alice never heard her, probably thinking that she'd rather be late than to face a teacher with lips looking like disco strings of lights.

Lily could have bet she'd forgotten that their first class of the day was Transfiguration. Oh yeah, she could totally see herself explaining the reason for her best friend's tardiness to McGonagall.

It was a "no" for breakfast, then...

"She overslept", she heard herself answer when McGonagall asked the dreaded question.

McGonagall lifted an eyebrow.

"Why didn't you wake her up?"

"I did", Lily blurted out.

She hated it when people accused her of having done something wrong. Even when she did.

"But then she..."

Lily looked around for inspiration but only found Potter winking at her.

Ugh. The git was enjoying it a lot too much. It made her want to hex him silly and...

"Miss Evans?"

Lily blushed to the roots of her hair and averted her eyes from Potter. Who looked smug, by the way.

Well, she could always hex him later. Right now she had an appointment with what was its name again? Ah, yeah : "extreme embarrassment". All thanks to the girl who couldn't concentrate long enough on an essay to avoid doing something stupid.

She needed new friends.

"She felt asleep. Again", she triomphantly exclaimed.

McGonagall eyebrow raised even higher - it was almost fascinating how high it actually reached. In a sick way.

"When I was at breakfast", Lily quickly amended.

No way she was held responsible for Alice's barmy lipspell.

She heard a snort behind her which sounded an awful lot like Sirius Black.

"How do you know that, if you were at breakfast?" he asked.

She turned her irate gaze on him just fast enough to see Potter whacking him on the head while whispering loudly to him to "shut the fuck up".

For a tiny nanosecond, she almost liked the boy. Almost.

McGonagall didn't say anything, but her now furrowed brow couldn't really be misunderstood.

"A pertinent question, Mr Black. For once", she said.

Remus quashed a "hey!" with his hand on Sirius mouth and the spotlight was once again Lily.

Crap. Didn't think about that one.

"Well, she's not here, is she? said Lily, hoping that she was putting a good show of looking at ease. I was just guessing..."

By now, Black and Potter were laughing so hard they were almost choking.

Man, did she hope they would. And die a slow, painful, embarrassing death.

But then, there was the sound of a door opening behind Lily. Thanks God!

"Miss Prewett. How kind of you to join.... us?"

McGonagall's eyes were bulging like Slughorn had just declare his undying love for her while throwing crystallized pineapple in the air.

"Sweet-Rowena-what-did-you-do-to-your-face?"

From the look on her own face, McGonagall didn't intended to say that one aloud. Lily slowly turned around. She felt her mouth drop open : did the color on Alice's lips even have a name?

"Don't just stand here, Miss Prewett : take a seat", said McGonagall briskly, obviously trying to cover up her shock. Not that it was working. "We were just discussing the reasons of your absence."

"Well, you see..."

"I don't want to hear it. Sit. And detention on friday", said McGonagall.

Alice sat down next to Lily.

"God, what did you do to your lips?" whispered Lily.

"None of my lipsticks were thick enough to cover it up, so I mixed them. Can you still see the colors?"

"Nope. No color. Then again, I can't see your lips either."

Alice huffed and turned towards the blackboard, not looking at Lily for the rest of the class.

By midday, Lily had been sent to the hospital wing by a rabid fanged peony (the flowers were pretty! How could she've guessed that the thing was carnivorous?), almost trampled on by an unicorn in Care of the magical creatures (don't be fooled : they look all cute and innocent but the beasts have a vicious temper and nasty hooves), and Alice still wasn't talking to her because of the lipspell disaster.

Lily felt like going to bed and sleep for a week. Or a hundred years, really.

She stomped down the corridor - maybe if she stayed in her room until Flitwick's class, it wouldn't get worse.

Of course, lost into a world of depression and paranoia, she failed to remember the trick stair. Well, she did remember, once the only thing she could do to avoid getting stuck was to jump out of the way.

Which she did. And she fell.

For the first time of the day, luck seemed to be on her side since she was met with a hard chest and solid arms rather than hard and solid stones.

Slightly dazzed, she kept pressing (oh okay : nuzzling) against her nice smelling life saver until a tremor which looked awfully like a chuckle shook her out of it.

All of a sudden, she had a _very_ bad feeling about this.

She backed away slowly, and moaned aloud when her gaze met glasses and messy hair.

"Woah, Evans. It's the first time I make a woman moan by my looks alone", he said with a smirk.

"OK, I get it now : excuse me, Potter, I have to go throw myself from the Astronomy Tower", whispered Lily, surprised to find her voice low and shaky.

She turned around and sighed.

"Wait!"

A hand shot out and grabbed her shoulder, making her face him again.

"What?" she asked, more than a little annoyed.

"You... don't look so good."

"Thanks, I feel so much better, now that I know that I don't only feel like crap but look like it too."

Potter rolled his eyes. How dared he roll his eyes at her?

Where was antlerboy when you needed him?

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Now, what's the matter with you? You're looking like your puppy died since Prewett came in with that weird thing on her lips."

"Yeah. The lipspell of doom."

"The lipspell of doom?" repeated Potter, smiling that cute irritating little smile of his.

God, she really didn't need to be reminded of her atrocious taste in men today.

"She isn't talking to me anymore", blurted Lily, hating herself already.

She was a big girl, she could cope with her bad days on her own, couldn't she?

Potter nodded in understanding.

"You're having a Firewhisky day?"

"Firewhisky? I'm not drunk, Potter", retorted Lily, quite offended.

"No, no, I mean that it's the kind of day you need to end with a drink."

"Why?" she asked, curious despite herself.

He shrugged.

"It helps to forget about it, I guess."

He absent-mindedly took her hand in his, stroking the red skin where the peony took a chunk of her flesh earlier.

Well, at least, it didn't look like gruyère(1) anymore - thanks Merlin for healing potions.

"Join me later for a drink?"

"Mh..." Lily pulled out her hand, suddenly aware of what she was doing. "What? No! Are you trying to make me drink just so you can take advantage of me, you disgusting pig!"

He seemed taken aback by the accusation.

"You look like you need it, he pointed. Besides, I wouldn't rape you in Hogwarts (not that I would elsewhere) : Dumbledore would know it - he knows about every single thing that happens in the castle."

Well, he did have a point. And the idea was more than a little disturbing, when you thought about it.

"How did you got Firewhisky anyway? You're not of age."

"Marauder's secret", he said, flashing her another smile. "It's good stuff too."

Lily didn't know how Firewhisky tasted. Not that she would admit it. But sometimes, she did wonder.

Just like she wondered about Potter, but then again...

"I'll let you rant as much as you want to about Alice and the peony, I promise", he said, putting a hand on his heart.

Lily bit her bottom lip. She didn't know why, but the idea was rather tempting.

Her day couldn't get worse anyway.

"You'll get to avoid Alice until tomorrow. Tomorrow night with the hangover. Come on, you know you want to."

She adverted her gaze.

"Why would you think that? I turned you down for years, now", she said, feeling a little cruel, all of a sudden.

"Well, you're talking to me. Quite civilly too, even if you accused me of wanting to rape you", he added in a thoughtful voice. He shrugged again. "It's like a small miracle in itself, so who knows?"

"I'm having a bad day", protested Lily, as if it explained everything.

"_And _I think that you will want to come, once you know that if you do, you'll be Potter-free until tonight ten o'clock", he added like he was some kind of salesman trying to make her buy his junk.

And oh God, she was going to.

She _knew_ it : Hogwarts turned everyone barmy. Even her.

"Oh, OK. But _only _because I'm having a _really awful_ day", she stressed.

He beamed at her, swearing that she wasn't going to regret it (which she already did) and let her go.

And that's how, hours later, she found herself drinking Firewhisky with him while nursing some new injuries (why did students with a bad aim always choose the corridor she was in to duel? ). Well, more like choking on it, actually.

"That thing is disgusting!" she exclaimed for the tenth time.

"I gathered that much."

"Another one!" she demanded, trusting her empty glass under his nose.

He laughed and filled it, listening to her rant without complaining. He had actually _thanked_ her for showing up.

The boy was weird.

So they talked, about barmy lipspells and vicious unicorns, and drinked, and laughed. And Lily wasn't even drunk when she let him walk her back to her dormitory.

Even if it wasn't a date.

At all.

"So, was today that bad?" he asked.

"Oh yeah, it was", she said, nodding her head.

"Even with spending your evening with me?" he scrunched his nose in mock outrage.

"I don't like you", she answered, bluntly.

"Oh, that's too bad. Your day will end _really_ badly, then."

"Wh..."

But her question was swallowed by his lips. She swayed a little on her feet until he reached a hand to steady her.

He pulled away after a moment, letting her blink and breath.

"You kissed back", he pointed.

Lily tried to scowl but found that she was too tired to muster the required animosity.

She waved her hand airily.

"It didn't mean anything, Potter. I'm just having a bad day is all."

"So you keep saying."

She ignored him, not understanding why he was smiling so wide when she just rejected him.

Didn't she?

She shook her head, which was feeling hazy anyway and wished him a good night before climbing the stairs. Finally, she buried herself in her warm bed, surprised to find a smile on her own lips.

She wondered if Alice got rid of the lipspell yet and with what loony things she would come up tomorrow.

Maybe it would be another bad day - there tended to be a lot of them at this time of the year.

Somehow, she didn't think she would mind very much if it was.

* * *

(1) I don't know if everyone can get the reference - "gruyère" is some kind of cheese with holes in it.

A/N : well, that was probably a bit weird, wasn't it? I don't know if it's funny or if it even made much sense, though.

Review and tell me what you thought - I'd really appreciate it.


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